So, I won a scholarship for the year with my vocal coach. To say I was happy is an understatement- I've never won anything before. This was such an achievement for me, but I still have a crippling issue with my singing...
Letting go of the outside and concentrating on the inside ...
I don't get stage fright, but I have trouble enjoying myself when I perform. Unbeknownst to most of you I get a huge rush self loathing before I do any performance. Friends who have sung with me will see this manifest in various ways - crying, anger, quietness (very strange for me!) and at its worst drinking to cope. It feels strange admitting this to you, but it's such a huge issue and I'm hoping that saying it out loud will help me to overcome it.
This is now also beginning to affect my personal life. I can't socialise without constantly worrying about what people think of me (I've put on weight on my medication- which is suppose to help with some of these issues!) how they're judging how badly I've aged, how I'll never be good enough.
Good enough for what? For myself, for my opinions of how I should be, what I shoud have achieved, and how I look compared to others. Always the comparisons.
I know in my soul that performing should be about my voice, which I push and push to become better as its all I have, it's something that can set me apart from others. I don't have the looks to be anything more. I joked to a friend at the weekend that I wanted to be the voice of a new female Milli Vanilli you'll only get that reference if you grew up in the 90s!) but that's all I feel I am, a shell with a voice.
A very big shell, with a very big voice.
Big love for reading x