Not gonna lie I've never been very good at dealing with things when they go wrong.
I blame myself and go into a terrible spiral of self-loathing that stems from my issues with mental health (which I've spoken about on this blog a few times.) On Monday I came 2nd on the Radio Wigwam awards for Best Female Vocalist. I had been stupid though, I had convinced myself that I'd win as it was the second year I was nominated, rookie mistake right? Anyone else would have been thrilled with 2nd, but this sent me off on a dark path of self-hatred matched only my Oedipus when he poked his eyes out with brooches. Not a good coping mechanism right?! I was being selfish and ridiculous but I couldn't. stop. myself.
I spent a few days introspecting and slowly realised that recently I've been suffering really bad bouts of anger as well as extreme tiredness, and self-depreciation; so yesterday I bit the bullet and took the NHS Self Diagnosis for Depression (I've included a link in case you too want to try this.) Lo and Behold if I haven't spiked back into the 'severe' category for depression - without even realising how out of control it all was... So, I've made an appointment to see the Dr, not to get pills (I'm already on a low dose of medication) although they might change the type I'm on, but more to see what I can do about it, how I can battle it this time around.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm here because I want to let you know that if you're suffering DON'T just keep going, please try to get some help. It's more brave to do that than to suffer quietly destroying yourself day after day.
I also wanted to apologise if I've been distant, offish or even angry recently; I've not quit been myself for a few months - sorry.
The music will keep coming though... Once the new album in funded I'm hoping that I can use this bout of emotions to create something raw and real for album number two. (As yet unnamed as the highest donor on the GoFundMe gets to name it... ) channeling these kinds of things into my lyrics seems to be what I do best and it's also a coping mechanism so here's hoping I can start work on it sooner rather than later!
Big big love, hugs and small rays of sunshine,